default-cbs-image

What is the greatest measure of athletic excellence?

Traditionally, the title of "World's Greatest Athlete" has gone to the winner of the decathlon at the Olympics, and that is a pretty good place to start. With so many disciplines involved, the decathlon is certainly a good measure of a certain type of athletic dominance.

However, the shot put and javelin don't exactly apply to those traits we look for in the modern sports world. This isn't your grandfather's search for the best athlete, so the decathlon is not what we're looking for at all. But I'll tell you what sport is…

Dodgeball.

Yes, Dodgeball. The Sport of Kings. Scoff if you must, but first answer this question: what other sport requires the catching ability of a world-class football player, the agility of a soccer great, the throwing ability of an All-NFL quarterback or Cy Young winning pitcher and the all-around athleticism of the best NBA players? None sports, is the answer.  

When you talk about who the best dodgeball player would be among current professional athletes, then, what you are really talking about is who the best athlete in the world is. We're interested in answering these kinds of big questions at CBS Sports, which is why an all-star team of experts came together recently to put together the best dodgeball teams in the world.

To put the teams together, we went through a snake draft, with standard five-man dodgeball rosters. All active athletes were eligible to be selected and the picks ranged from the best athletes in the NFL, MLB and NBA to golfers and even a few professional dodgeball players. Because we took this seriously, everyone offered explanations for their team-building strategy, and had an opportunity to defend their most off-the-wall picks. 

There was only one other rule: No references to the movie Dodgeball. We all love that movie, but this is serious business, and needed to be treated as such.

Without further ado:

Draft results
Team Round 1 Round 2 Round 3 Round 4 Round 5
Robby Kalland Cam Newton Nick Chubb Yasiel Puig Michael Vick Dustin Johnson
Chris Towers Odell Beckham Jr. Jose Fernandez Lionel Messi Kawhi Leonard Andrelton Simmons
Pete Prisco Russell Wilson T.Y. Hilton Randall Cobb Yoenis Cespedes Floyd Mayweather
Jamie Erdahl Mike Trout LeBron James Jennie Finch Le'Veon Bell Matthew Dellavedova
Chris Peters Richard Sherman Bryce Harper Jameis Winston Johnny Gaudreau Carli Lloyd
Matt Moore Serena Williams Deron Williams Nikola Karabati? Ronda Rousey Nate Robinson
Dayn Perry Billy Hamilton Tim Poon Jeff Samardzija Hekkie Budler Serge Ferrari
Jared Dubin Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson Julian Edelman John Wall Manny Machado Tony Allen
Kyle Porter Trindon Holliday Russell Westbrook Jeremy Maclin Eric Bledsoe Johnny Manziel
Tom Fornelli Chris Sale Dez Bryant Antonio Brown Cardale Jones Gianluigi Buffon
Will Brinson Aaron Rodgers JJ Watt Andrew Luck Matt Harvey Rob Gronkowski
Matt Snyder Aroldis Chapman Calvin Johnson Victor Oladipo Carter Capps Usain Bolt

#Squad: Cam Newton, Nick Chubb, Yasiel Puig, Michael Vick, Dustin Johnson

Strengths: Unstoppable in Madden '04... If Yasiel Puig finds a dodgeball video game to play, watch out... Puig, Vick and Newton might be the best combinations of arm strength and athleticism around... 

Weaknesses: Dustin Johnson is a golfer... Puig is liable to run himself into at least one careless elimination... Vick will probably get hurt... Georgia running backs haven't had great luck lately... 

Best Pick: Nick Chubb


UGASports.com

You want to aim for the legs in dodgeball, to limit catch opportunities. That's hard to do when the person you're aiming at can levitate.

Worst Pick: Dustin Johnson

Which skills translate from golf to dodgeball, exactly? I haven't read the rule book, but I can't imagine a 9 iron is regulation dodgeball equipment.

In his words...

My basic draft strategy was to get the best possible athletes, preferably ones I know can throw the ball hard, and let them figure it out. I don't want to put my players in a rigid structure. I want them to flourish with their natural athleticism. I didn't appreciate the discrimination against bigger athletes I saw from some of my fellow dodgeball GMs. Just because you're bigger or taller doesn't mean you can't play dodgeball. 
I have a general idea of how I want my team to play, but I want to allow for plenty of freedom for my guys to operate. I see my big guys like Cam Newton and Dustin Johnson as anchors in the back. Both can sit in the back and just bomb dodgeballs at the other team (Johnson is the best athlete on the PGA Tour and I felt at least one golfer should be represented in this). 
Meanwhile, Nick Chubb isn't going to be asked to throw much, he's supposed to run around and collect balls to give to his teammates. He's small and shifty with great speed and leaping ability. 
Puig and Vick are my rovers, moving around, but both have cannons for arms.  I don't care about accuracy that much. In fact, I think having some wild throws could be beneficial. That ball can go anywhere and it makes dodging more unpredictable for the other team if they can't guess exactly where a throw may go.

#Squad: Odell Beckham, Jose Fernandez, Lionel Messi, Kawhi Leonard, Andrelton Simmons

Strengths: Beckham was the top player available... Messi brings the support of hundreds of millions of fans from around the world... Kawhi has the largest hands in the world; ideal for catching multiple dodgeballs... Three 90 MPH throwers...

Weaknesses: Injuriess... Beckham, Kawhi and Fernandez have all missed significant time with injuries in recent years... Dominance may bore Leonard at this point... 

Best Pick: Odell Beckham

We already know Beckham can catch. But can he throw? He can throw. Can he jump? He can jump. Beckham might be the most well-rounded athlete in professional sports right now, and the fact that he wasn't the No. 1 overall pick makes me wonder if everyone was taking this as seriously as we should have been.

Worst Pick: Lionel Messi

Third round, 26th overall is awfully high for someone who hasn't really had to use his hands at any point in his professional career. Does Lionel Messi even have hands? Can we check?

In his words...

I had to put down a worst pick, but that should really read "Least Excellent Pick," because there's no such thing as a bad pick on this team. Okay, Messi maybe can't throw. How are you hitting this guy: 

And while Andrelton Simmons may not be the biggest name in this group, he might be the best pick of the draft. He's won two Gold Gloves in two full seasons, and might be the best defensive shortstop of his generation. And he used to throw in the high-90's as a pitcher. And Kawhi Leonard, well... Let's see what LeBron thinks:

Sorry, Jamie. 

#Squad: Russell Wilson, T.Y. Hilton, Randall Cobb, Yoenis Cespedes, Floyd Mayweather

Strengths: Athleticism all over the place... Hilton and Cobb are two of the most agile players in the NFL, and it'll be hard to beat either of them to the line to start the game... Wilson and Cespedes have absolute cannons... Mayweather can buy stuff, I guess...

Weaknesses: Mayweather's gloves will prove unweildy... Three players not known for their ability to throw the ball could limit their offense... 

Best Pick: Russell Wilson

Wilson has every skill you want in a star dodgeball player. He's small, elusive and has a huge arm. If you were taking a quarterback with your first pick, this was the way to go. And the fact Prisco took him, well, there's a certain level of irony there. 

Worst Pick: Floyd Mayweather

Not a team player. Immediately puts the crowd on your opponent's side. Also, it's probably hard to throw and catch with boxing gloves on.

In his words...

I went with small, quick guys to avoid getting hit. Think about Mayweather avoiding punches. He'd be unreal avoiding getting hit in this game. Hilton and Cobb are both quick and fast and can catch. I took Wilson because he has a big arm and he doesn't have to get to his third progression in this game. And he's quick. Cespedes has a huge arm. He will be my big-armed blaster. This is a team that would win going away against any of the others.

After all, Russell Wilson is a winner.

#Squad: Mike Trout, LeBron James, Jennie Finch, Le'Veon Bell, Matthew Dellavedova

Strengths: Trout and LeBron are a ridiculous athletic duo, with the ability to do pretty much everything you want on a dodgeball floor. The best two-player combination in the game... 

Weaknesses: Trout and LeBron make for awfully large targets... Matthew Dellavedova is on the team...

Best Pick: Jennie Finch

Anyone who has seen Dodgeball knows what an effective strategy employing the experienced softball player can be. She can throw a softball nearly 70 MPH, and would be able to put spin on it from a different arm angle than anyone else.

Worst Pick: Matthew Dellavedova

I mean, what a disaster. Best-case scenario, he is so clumsy and ill-equipped to compete at the highest levels that he momentarily befuddles the opposition. That's basically what happened when he "shut down" Steph Curry in the NBA Finals for about two and a half quarters. Worst-case scenario, he spills scalding hot coffee on his teammates at an intermission break, or does this this to Mike Trout:

In her words...

I'll work from the back of my draft picks to the front. Because while I drafted the most athletically gifted front line known to man kind with my 1-2 picks, heart is not ranked. Effort, leadership, and sacrifice can not be judged.

I give you Matthew Dellavedova. I will also be getting max capacity effort from Le'Veon Bell seeing as though the Steelers can't utilize his zig zag ability for 2 weeks.

Then, as goose bumps rise, I give you my front three. Imagine: the Iron Curtain of athleticism. Connected at the hip, Mike Trout and LeBron James dodging and sniping balls out of thin air. Then, as if all of time slows down... The 2 separate - if only for a MOMENT to unleash an underhanded machine.... JENNIE FINCH.

Every team needs a girl to keep them humble.

Boom.

Champions.

#Squad: Richard Sherman, Bryce Harper, Jameis Winston, Johnny Gaudreau, Carli Lloyd

Strengths: This team will get in your head... Lloyd brings the heart of a champion... Young core could grow together...

Weaknesses: Ice skates are not allowed in dodgeball... Too many specialists who only work well in combination with one another... 

Best Pick: Richard Sherman

He leads the NFL in interceptions since entering the league, and is a first-team All-Sports trash talker.

Worst Pick: Jameis Winston

In his words... 

Like pretty much every fantasy draft I've ever entered, I abandoned strategy the second the first player I wanted (OBJ) was off the board. So when "playing to win" was out the window, I decided to go with some lightning-rod athletes (Sherman, Harper, Winston), a clutch performer (Lloyd) and I had to have at least one hockey player (Gaudreau). The rest is dodgeball history.

#Squad: Serena Williams, Deron Williams, Nikola Karabatic, Ronda Rousey, Nate Robinson

Strengths: Not many big targets... Three slam dunk contest championships between them... If Serena can bring her tennis racket, she is probably unstoppable... Karabatic plays team handball, which is basically dodgeball mixed with soccer...

Weaknesses: Robinson and Williams are past their primes and injury-prone... Rousey is too used to dominating early in her matches, may become flustered if it lasts longer than 34 seconds... 

Best Pick: Ronda Rousey

Karabatic is an inspired pick, and worthy of mention. But Ronda Rousey is too perfect, if only because you know she's not stopping until she gets a chance to take down Team Prisco and Mayweather.

Worst Pick: Deron Williams

Look, just because Deron hosts a dodgeball event for charity doesn't mean he's any good. Plus, do you really want to pin your hopes on someone with glass ankles? If his obsession with wrecking people in Connect Four is any indication of how seriously he takes elementary school pastimes, Rajon Rondo would have been a better pick, if you had to take a point guard who hasn't been good in four years.

In his words...

The Denver Daggers: Small, but deadly. 

I asked Dodgeball legend Tim Poon what was more important, arm strength or lateral movement and small size. He said small size and lateral movement. That seems pretty important coming from one of the best players at the actual sport in the world.

My team is built on speed and movement. If you're going to play dodgeball, why not get players who can, you know, dodge? Serena Williams is one of the most underrated athletes in the world and with her arm strength and lateral movement, she's lightning fast. She's also better suited for extended back and forth play, unlike football players who go in 15 second increments and then stop, and especially quarterbacks who are throwing from an angled position. Nikola Karabatic is the world's top-ranked handball player and a total badass. Deron Williams hosts his own dodgeball tournament. None of my targets are tall, all of my throwers are fast, and if we lose, Ronda Rousey will beat the stuffing out of our opponent, so who wins in the end?

#Squad: Billy Hamilton, Timothy Poon, Jeff Samardzija, Hekkie Budler, Serge Ferrari

Strengths: Speed kills, and Billy Hamilton is as fast as anyone... Did you know Jeff Samardzija used to play football in college? Have you ever heard that during the broadcast of one of his starts? Two most experienced dodgeball players in the pool...

Weaknesses: Budler's gloves will likely lead to an early exit... Serge Ferrari is no Tim Poon...

Best Pick: Timothy Poon

I'll let Dayn explain his inspired pick:

He's tall enough to get a good downward plane on the ball, but he's also wiry. My area scouts say his makeup is off the charts. He also has actual dodgeball experience and a native Texan's willingness to do what needs to be done. Timothy Poon!

Third place isn't great, but we'll give Dayn the benefit of the doubt and assume there were injuries holding the Houston Bounty Hunters back. This is probably the only thing that can hold Poon back.

Worst Pick: Serge Ferrari

When you search "Serge Ferrari" on Google, some kind of construction company comes up. I'm assuming Dayn didn't pick a construction company that specializes in lightweight, bioclimatic facades, so let's assume he actually meant to pick Serge Ferrari of the National Dodgeball League's Las Vegas Vipers. Have to dock points for going to the well twice on this one. He's no Poon.

In his words...

My strategy, broadly speaking, was to target small-stature guys who throw hard. Also: Tim Poon.

#Squad: Dwyane 'The Rock' Johnson, Julian Edelman, John Wall, Manny Machado, Tony Allen

Strengths: Good combination of strength and speed... Edelman is a do-it-all kind of player who can fill in every gap... Machado is only improving... Allen's defensive mentality should lead to plenty of swings when you target him...

Weaknesses: Offense is important in dogdeball too, and Allen hasn't looked to score in a game in 6 years... The Rock might actually be too big. For dodgeball, yes, but also just for everyday life. Walking through doorframes is an occupational hazard... 

Best Pick: The Rock

Is any other explanation actually necessary? He flexed out of a cast!

Worst Pick: Tony Allen

Yeah, he's great at defense. But he's not exactly the most coordinated guy in the world. And this is still illegal in dodgeball too:

In his words... 

My strategy was to be the most charismatic and intimidating team in the league because 90 percent of dodgeball is half mental. My team will get in your team's head. That's why Tony Allen was the steal of the draft in Round 5. 

I picked The Rock in Round 1 because... IT DOESN'T MATTER. WHY. I PICKED. THE ROCK.

#Squad: Trindon Holliday, Russell Westbrook, Jeremy Maclin, Eric Bledsoe, Johnny Manziel

Strengths: Small, quick and ferocious... Bledsoe and Westbrook are like concentrated doses of LeBron, which might play better in dodgeball, where smaller size is more important... 

Weaknesses: After playing with Alex Smith, Maclin may quickly forget how to catch the ball... Westbrook may lose it the first time Holliday forgets to high-five him... It's "Johnny Football" not "Johnny Dodgeball"...

Best Pick: Johnny Manziel

All apologies to Russ, but Manziel is precisely the sort of dude who would take a dodgeball game way too seriously. He might not be any good at football, but I'm convinced JFF would be a great dodgeball player.

Worst Pick: Trindon Holliday

Holliday would be an awesome dodgeball player, but you can't tell me he wouldn't have been there three rounds later. A reach.

In his words...

I went with the "get athletes and figure everything else out later" strategy. I am the Chip Kelly of dodgeball coaching. This is all great until I remember that I passed on Dez for Trindon Holliday in the first round because I panicked after I wasn't allowed to draft Sidd Finch. Still, my athletes-and-go strategy is highlighted by my final selection of Johnny Dodgeball. We're going to roll.

#Squad: Chris Sale, Dez Bryant, Antonio Brown, Cardale Jones, Gianluigi Buffon

Strengths: Good combination of throwers and catchers... Good athleticism... 

Weaknesses: Too many specialists... Jones is the only player who brings multiple skills to the table... If you pick Jones and Sale off, their offense disappears...

Best Pick: Antonio Brown

I'm not entirely sure this skill would translate to dodgeball, but it's an impressive display of hand eye coordination.

Worst Pick: Cardale Jones

We ain't come to play dodgeball.

In his words...

My strategy was rather simple. You see, while some of my competitors were worried about players being too large, or not agile enough, and others wanted just flamethrowers, I know the real secret of Dodgeball: the most effective thing you can do in a game of dodgeball is to catch the ball. You not only eliminate an opposing player, but you bring back one of your own in the process. 

So my strategy was to find a bunch of guys who I know can catch the ball, as well as getting a guy like Chris Sale who not only throws hard, but has ball has movement and won't be easy to catch. These other teams don't stand a chance.

#Squad: Aaron Rodgers, J.J. Watt, Andrew Luck, Matt Harvey, Rob Gronkowski

Strengths: Massive... Two of the best athlete quarterbacks around... Watt is the most intimidating athlete in the world... 

Weaknesses: Size could be a detriment. A lot of very big targets... Harvey, a Tommy John survivor, and Gronk both injury risks... Real risk that Watt may go after Gronk for not taking the game seriously enough... 

Best Pick: Aaron Rodgers

Aaron Rodgers is magical.

Worst Pick: Rob Gronkowski

The URL for this article says it all:

You have to appreciate the honesty.

In his words... 

Let all the other fools in the draft pass on people with great arms and pinpoint accuracy and then take them myself. Also, draft J.J. Watt who is a freak athlete and a destroyer of worlds. I can't defend any weird picks because my whole team is TOO AWESOME.

Rodgers/Watt/Luck/Harvey/Gronk. Even our post dodgeball match parties are 10 times better than everyone else's. 

#Squad: Aroldis Chapman, Calvin Johnson, Victor Oladipo, Carter Capps, Usain Bolt

Strengths: The two hardest throwers in major-league baseball in Capps and Chapman... Johnson can catch everything thrown his way... Bolt is an insane all-around athlete... Tall, but not quite as wide as Team Brinson... 

Weaknesses: Average height of 6'5.75" makes for very large targets... A lot of long legs to aim for... No totally well-rounded athletes... Too many throwing/catching specialists... 

Best Pick: Carter Capps

DodgeballSydney.com is the leading source of dodgeball strategy on the Internet, probably. They define "The Kamikaze" strategy as when "a player will run up and leap from inside his own half as far forward as he/she can and throw in mid-air." That's basically Carter Capps' normal pitching delivery:

Worst Pick: Usain Bolt

Just because you can run fast in a straight line doesn't mean you can dodge. Totally different skill sets.

In his words...

I wanted to have two throwers (Aroldis and Capps) along with at least once catcher (Megatron) and a pair of dodgers (Oladipo, Bolt). Obviously everyone is a good athlete and can do more, but I wanted to break down into specializations. I really wanted Beckham as my top catcher but some jerk took him in the first round.

So, which team wins? Who built the finest collection of athletes the world has ever seen? Can a team with LeBron James and Mike Trout lose at anything, even with a Matthew Dellavedova-shaped anchor dragging them down? Can a small, rubbery red ball slow down unstoppable stars like J.J. Watt or Odell Beckham? Is Tim Poon the greatest athlete in the world? 

Maybe we'll find out some day. For now, we can only imagine the greatest athletic competition the world has ever seen.