Time to throw down, buddy.
Look, I've been patient. I've tried to wait you out, outright ignoring you as you preyed on the rest of the American League, pacing the highest-scoring offense in baseball. It seemed almost cute at first, so I let it slide.
But this has to stop, Marco Scutaro. You're embarrassing me.
He's embarrassing all of us -- anyone who even casually looks at numbers and acts like he knows what he's talking about. Nothing about his performance to date makes sense -- not the walks, not the homers, not even the amount of playing time.
Just look at the facts. Scutaro has never walked more than 57 times in a season, but he already has 29 walks this year, putting him on pace for 138. He has never hit more than nine home runs in a season, but he already has five this year, putting him on pace for 23. And granted, he spent most of his career as a reserve infielder, getting sporadic at-bats, but this isn't a case of a long overlooked talent finally getting playing time. He averaged 411 at-bats over his last five seasons, which is about what you'd expect for a league-average starting catcher.
If I didn't know any better, I'd think Scutaro was having breakout year. But I do know better, because I know players don't do that at age 33. And in the case of him more than doubling his walks, in all but a few exceptions, players don't do that ever.
It's ridiculous and so far removed from reality that if it continues, Scutaro, who's hitting all of .278, will end up scoring 152 runs, which would lead both leagues every year dating back to 1936. All this from a guy who has never slugged over .400 and has a career on-base percentage of .330. Move over, David Eckstein.
Oh, but I forgot. We're not talking about Eckstein. No, Rickey Henderson is alive and well, and he's posing as a utility infielder in Toronto. Either that or the utility infielder is posing as Henderson. Personally, I'm inclined to believe the latter.
You get the picture? Scutaro isn't just playing over his head, but way, way over his head -- like the difference between the sky and the dirt -- and he can't possibly come even close to sustaining this pace.
If he does, all of us forecasters, both professional and amateur, might as well just stop trying, because reason will have lost all meaning.
(And just for the record, I didn't write that May 11 player update on Scutaro. Clearly, one of my colleagues feels the same way as I do about him, which only supports the argument.)
I've said my piece, and I think the evidence stacks so overwhelmingly in its favor that I can proudly, boldly and confidently include Scutaro among my ...
Hanging Sliders These guys look like Sliders, but not so fast! Their recent play might cause you to misinterpret their Fantasy appeal.
Marco Scutaro, SS/2B/3B, Blue Jays
Don't get me wrong: You can use Scutaro now until you turn as blue as his uniform. It's a good idea, in fact. You have to take points wherever you can get them, and he's scoring plenty so far.
But don't get too attached to him, and if someone knocks you over with an offer for him, don't hesitate to take it. He will come crashing back down to earth. It'll be hard, and it'll be fast, leaving a crater the size of Lake Okeechobee.
Which you have to admit is pretty big.
Alberto Callaspo, 2B, Royals
Oh, I'm not done -- far from it. In my quest to eliminate your every last hope of landing a long-term middle infielder off the waiver wire, I have to turn my attention to Kansas City's latest overachiever.
Callaspo does some things well. He rarely strikes out. He walks frequently enough. I'll even go so far as to call him a safe bet to hit .300 with regular playing time. All of those things give him some low-end appeal in Head-to-Head leagues, but that appeal will always and forever remain on the low end.
To become a significant Fantasy asset, meaning more than just a placeholder, a player must do one of two things: hit home runs or steal bases. He doesn't have to do either exceptionally well -- guys like Dustin Pedroia do both moderately well -- but if he doesn't contribute anything in either category, he'll quickly fall behind. With every home run those other players hit and every base they steal, they get bonus points Callaspo doesn't get. Those points might not seem like much at first, but they multiply over the course of the season, widening the gap with every tally.
True, Callaspo wouldn't exactly qualify as a "slap hitter." He hits doubles, and doubles become homers. But by the time a hitter reaches age 26, we should begin to see some signs of that transition. So far, Callaspo has two home runs in 502 major league at-bats.
Callaspo is at best Placido Polanco, only he doesn't have the same track record and doesn't have an assured job when Alex Gordon comes off the DL. I'm not saying you have to live and die by underachievers like Mike Aviles and Kelly Johnson just because they have higher ceilings than Callaspo. If you need Callaspo for stretches here and there, fine, use him. But get ready to lose him, because he won't meet your long-term needs if you hope to gain any sort of advantage at second base.
Sliders These guys haven't just gotten hot or cold. Their recent play has caused their Fantasy appeal to "slide" one way or another.
Coco Crisp, OF, Royals
You remember this guy, right? Yeah, maybe you took a flier on him back when he replaced Johnny Damon as Boston's center fielder and leadoff man, but you wouldn't dare own him now. No, you know better than to do something so futile.
Well, let me ask you something. Would you own Carlos N. Lee? What about Shane Victorino? Matt Kemp? Jayson Werth? Nate McLouth?
Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes, right?
You'd own them all, as well as several other players I won't name at risk of belaboring the point. And you wouldn't have any complaints about what they've given you so far. They've each performed more or less within expectations.
And yet they've each performed worse than Crisp, at least according to standard Head-to-Head scoring.
The Royals leadoff hitter has more Fantasy points than every member of that studly crew, but his reputation as the bust of Beantown makes him a forgotten man in Fantasy, owned in only 73 percent of leagues.
Granted, he's on pace to more than double his career high in walks, which I cited as a strike against Marco Scutaro, but Crisp is also hitting only .241. What happens when he gets back to hitting .270, or even .290 like he did in his days with Cleveland?
You have to remember what made him a sleeper when he went to Boston in the first place. He had some pretty good years with the Indians -- the kind that made him too valuable to sit in most Fantasy formats. In 2004 and 2005, his last two years before leaving for Boston, he averaged 15.5 home runs and 17.5 stolen bases, batting .299.
And already, we've seen his slugging percentage return to its former levels. Could 15 homers follow? I believe it. Fenway Park, with its odd configuration, didn't seem to do Crisp any favors. During his three years in Boston, he hit 15 home runs on the road compared to only six at home.
So he's already demonstrating moderate pop as well as plus speed, and he hasn't even gotten hot yet. I see no reason to believe this performance won't continue.
If you could stand to have another of any of those outfielders I just named, you should seriously consider picking up Crisp. He might just become a regular starter for you.
Wandy Rodriguez, SP, Astros
Why does nobody take this guy seriously?
His career has unfolded exactly as it should, without any red flags or caution tape to steer people away. He came into the league a little overmatched, as most players do, then made gradual progress over the next few seasons before finishing last season with a highly respectable 3.54 ERA and 1.31 WHIP. He even struck out 8.6 batters per nine innings, which would seemingly make him an ideal sleeper entering the season, but you couldn't find anyone willing to draft him before Fausto Carmona or Oliver Perez went off the board.
Why? What did he do -- or not do -- to garner such widespread nonchalance? Sure, he has exaggerated home-road splits, pitching much better at home throughout his career, but if anything, that little flaw makes him more predictable and easier to use. If you have him, you know exactly when to start him and when not to. Can you say the same for any of your other starting pitchers?
And didn't Ervin Santana have the same problem entering last season? Gee, he righted that ship easily enough, and we don't know yet that Rodriguez hasn't followed suit. He continues to dominate at home, yes, but his 3.50 ERA in three road starts certainly wouldn't bury you. If he can keep pitching that way, you might never have good reason to sit him.
And that's the difference with Rodriguez now: He's infinitely usable. He hasn't become a Fantasy ace and won't contend for the Cy Young award, but he joins Ted Lilly in that mid-level class of Fantasy pitchers you won't ever see on waivers -- ones who offer quality innings and above-average strikeout potential, but with little fanfare.
Way too little, if you ask me. If you avoided starting pitchers early on Draft Day, guys like Rodriguez are exactly the reason why.
Chipper Jones, 3B, Braves
You know what? Chipper gets injured all the time.
I don't imagine I've stated anything beyond the obvious. The guy hasn't played 140 games in a season since 2004, so we've all learned by now that part of the deal with him is preparing to survive without him.
We know it. We get it.
But there's another part of that deal -- his end of it -- that I fear is on the verge of ruining this happy medium. He has to perform so well when healthy that we don't mind when he misses time with a bruised heel or strained arch or swollen elbow or arthritic hip or whatever else keeps him out of the lineup next.
Maybe you don't get what I mean. Maybe you look at his .284 batting average and .872 OPS and think his overall stat line looks pretty good.
But that's exactly the point. It looks pretty good, yes, but pretty good doesn't cut it. It needs to look out-of-this-world good. We're talking Albert Pujols-like numbers, the kind that would make you wonder how he's managed to win only one league MVP in his career.
Just check out the history. Chipper had a 1.044 OPS last year, a 1.029 OPS in 2007 and a 1.005 OPS in 2006. That's stuff straight out of the comic books. And let's not even talk about his .342 batting average during that stretch.
And you can't write off his relatively pedestrian totals so far by calling him a "slow starter." He hit .422 with seven home runs last April and .310 with eight home runs in April 2007. If anything, he needs to have a monster April to get a head start before the onslaught of injuries later. He did each of the last two years, anyway.
I know I might be jumping the gun by predicting a statistical backslide for the 37-year-old this early in the season, and I don't suggest you do anything rash. But if I had Chipper as my starting third baseman right now, I wouldn't feel particularly good about my investment. And if I saw someone dangling Aubrey Huff or Mike Lowell, I might move to acquire one as the ultimate backup plan.
Justin Verlander, SP, Tigers
Scary. Unreliable. Totally lost. Prematurely declining. Not worth the trouble.
Just 2 1/2 weeks ago, a span of three starts, I would have described Verlander in one of those ways. Anyone would have.
But as far as I'm concerned, he now ranks among the early Cy Young candidates in the American League.
What could happen in only three starts to convert me from the mainstream to the radical group of believers -- zealots, you might call them? Check out these numbers: 23 innings, a 0.39 ERA, a 0.70 WHIP and 31 strikeouts.
At times like these, I see the value in this form of mass communication. I can drool all over myself, and nobody will ever know.
I really don't need to say any more. He's an ace. I'm a dope. End of story.
Johnny Damon, OF, Yankees
The rise of the old people.
You don't see it often, but every once in a while, a guy on the wrong side of 35 will find himself on the right side of the Sliders. It usually has something to do with an external influence, maybe a new diet or a full moon.
Or in this case, a ballpark.
Make no mistake about it: That new Yankee Stadium is ridiculous. Granted, Damon hit two of his five home runs last week on the road, but the power surge started at home. And it'll continue at home all season long.
The effects of the new stadium will probably help line-drive hitters like Damon and Melky Cabrera even more than big boppers like Nick Swisher and Alex Rodriguez. People who know more about the subject than I do say the wind currents create more lift in the new stadium, which causes hard-hit balls that would normally fall well short of the fence to sail over it.
Really, Damon doesn't need more help after his resurgence last year. He steals enough bases and hits for a high enough average that he doesn't need to hit all that many homers to make a significant Fantasy contribution.
But I expect him to set a career high in long balls this year, which currently stands at 24. Could he hit 30, even? I wouldn't go that far, but I wouldn't put it past him either.
Don't ever bench him. If he gets hurt, fine, but if he gets cold, he probably has another homestand just around the corner.
Change-ups For every correct prediction, there is an equal and opposite incorrect prediction. At times, I have to "change up" some of my own just to save face.
Psych! None today. I see no reason to force the issue when nobody has done anything to change my mind. I considered jumping off the Dexter Fowler bandwagon, but I honestly think he's just slumping right now.
Hey, I gave you two Hanging Sliders. What more do you want?
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