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The reader will recall that not long ago I conducted a walking tour of some cheap-yet-dear baseball cards that I purchased at a local retailer. Today, I am back to explore another haul of cheap-yet-dear baseball cards that I purchased from a different purveyor of wholesome durable goods such as these.
Come with me, won't you?
First, the packaging ...
It's jumbo! And fully 3.0 percent of the cards within will be "vintage" in nature and execution! Color me excited. Let's dig in!
It's Andy Hawkins! Andy Hawkins is to be forever cherished. Why? Because he and surrounding events once conspired to do this on July 1, 1990 ...
That's right: Andy Hawkins, then a member of the Yankees, threw a no-hitter against the White Sox ... and also gave up four runs and took the loss. Now, in the truest of senses, his soul belongs to me.
And, speaking of the White Sox, their partisans, in spite of the disappointing season in their midst, should let their hearts take to wing. For the future is nova-bright:
Here's Charles Nagy, far too brooding to look at the camera and resplendent in what can best be termed "step-dad hair" ...
Consider me honor-bound to create and include the following action GIF ...
And now, three gentlemen who plainly have contempt for the baseball-card photographic process:
While Devon White and Gene Michael display varying degrees of "get the !@#$ on with it," Candy Maldonado's mounting hostility suggests that he might just get up from this bench and dry-gulch the crap out of you. Proceed with caution because this Candy is as hard as a bronzed Jolly Rancher.
Do you know what Zane Smith likes?
Hard-rock music. That's what Zane Smith likes. Something else that Zane Smith might have liked during the era in question: under-the-bra action carried out in the bucket seats of a rebuilt, street-illegal Pontiac Firebird.
This one, Zane Smith, is for you ...
Whoa! Headed in your direction is a Topps 1990 Stadium Club Chris Gwynn card. I'm a fan of this set because they include advanced and hard-to-come-by statistical data on the back. Let's see how Mr. Gwynn fares against port-side fastballs!
Noted!
Here's one of those hinted-at vintage cards ...
Know how you can tell it's vintage? Besides the whole "presence of Carlos May" thing, I mean? You can tell because it came out of the pack caked in dirt. It's possible infield dirt has been added in the service of verisimilitude, or it's possible that some of these cards were fished out of an Iowa storm drain.
If you've never seen a player be vaguely insulted on the back of a baseball card, then that's because you've never laid virginal eyes upon Scott Aldred's 1991 Upper Deck card. Witness:
To quote, "A 1-2 record in 3 starts with a 3.77 ERA is not usually something to be pleased about, unless you were less than spectacular in Triple-A."
The life lesson: The key to success at the office, in the gym or in the bedroom is to establish a mediocre baseline. Actually, this is so sufficiently inspiring that we could make a "Successories" business poster out of it ...
Hit your numbers, people.
Please appreciate all there is to appreciate about this card:
First, "Moose Stubing" is the greatest managerial name since "Blood Buckets McMurphy," who, it must be noted, didn't actually exist. Second, Moose Stubing was graced with a 1989 Topps card despite the fact that his record for his entire major-league managerial career was ... 0-8.
Forthcoming: Jackpot ...
Pot. Of. Jack.
Forthcoming: Larry Good Times ...
And, finally, let's recognize the return of these two hail-fellows-well-met ...
The Vatican-recognized miracle here is that the last time I did this -- when I purchased from a different trustworthy department store cards lovingly paired together by a different company -- I also wound up a with a Cory Snyder and an Ed Whitson. Those of you who perceive no order in the universe need to explain that one.
And know that when the subject is Street-Fightin' Ed Whitson, I shall never not post this GIF ...
