In this space, FBI stands for something else this week.
Football Beats Investigations.
It's been a trying week for college athletics given the federal government's recent interest in pay for play. If you believe that interest is limited to college basketball, well, stick around. It's about to get a lot worse -- football included.
But the games are still the thing headed into Week 5, right?
Alabama hosts an Ole Miss program under NCAA investigation that looks like the football equivalent of Louisville basketball. In both cases, the head coaches were absolutely shocked -- shocked, I tell you -- such alleged wrongdoing was going on underneath their noses.
Bobby Petrino is suddenly the most trusted person on the Louisville campus.
New Mexico has tied its best start (2-2) since 2007. That and coach Bob Davie is reportedly under investigation for allegedly mistreating players. Don't forget disgraced former athletic director Paul Krebs is about to celebrate four months since his resignation amid scandal.
Colorado coach Mike MacIntyre began the season $100,000 lighter in the wallet after being ordered to make a donation for domestic violence awareness. Saturday's game is the embodiment of a snooze, UCLA beginning at 10:30 p.m. ET.
Well, we tried. Here's the more palatable Week 5 storylines …
1. The Ninth Circle of Hell in Blacksburg: It looks like the ACC race may be sorted out in Week 5. That is, if Clemson wins at Virginia Tech. Suddenly, the Hokies are the biggest impediment to the Tigers. At N.C. State on Nov. 4? Florida State on Nov. 11? Get back to me on those. For now, Kelly Bryant and Co. have to weather Lane Stadium at night, which bears a startling resemblance to Dante's Inferno.
Something else to consider: If Justin Fuente beats Clemson, is he two-and-done with the Hokies? He can stay and beat his head against the wall vs. Clemson and Florida State each year or maybe pick Door No. 2 behind which are one of the anticipated big-name jobs available in the offseason.
2. Tennessee Tipping Point: The likelihood of Josh Dobbs reigning death from above on Georgia this time is, well, unlikely. Dobbs is gone. For that matter, so is Georgia's injured Jacob Eason. There's going to be a story either way in Georgia-Tennessee. Either the Dawgs and freshman Jake Fromm solidify their credentials as the SEC East flagship, or Butch Jones throws a mind-f--- at the screaming Vols fan base.
Whatcha going to do -- Bleating Tennessee -- if Jones breaks the school's 26-game losing streak against top 10 teams (dating back to 2006)? Don't tell me it couldn't happen. No matter how well freshmen quarterbacks play, they all seem to have that 9-of-21 passing game for 84 yards game in them at some point. Considering that, the 7.5 points just might be too much for Georgia to give. Autograph seekers, Peyton Manning will be honored at halftime. Brett Favre will also be there hawking coolers. Really.
3. Why Wisconsin? The Badgers (hosting Northwestern) are favored to win the Big Ten West again. Amazingly, they've played for four of the last six Big Ten titles. Paul Chryst could walk down Park Ave. and could be mistaken for an Uber driver. Wisco's winning standard is what aimless Nebraska should strive for in the Big Ten West while the Huskers search for a new AD (and maybe coach). This is the standard Northwestern can get closer to if it wins Saturday in Madison. The Wildcats just got run out of Duke a couple of weeks ago but are 6-6 vs Wisconsin since 1999 and 3-3 since 2009. Northwestern won its last visit to Camp Randall 13-7 in 2015.
4. Pistols firing on the high plains: Some advice for Texas Tech defensive coordinator David Gibbs: play two high safeties against Oklahoma State's Mason Rudolph. TCU's Gary Patterson did that last week and -- for the first time -- slowed down the Cowboys. The winner in Lubbock, Texas, stays in contention in the Big 12. The teams have combined for a staggering 520 points in the last six meetings. That's an average of 12 touchdowns per game.
5. Futures market: The next coach at Arkansas/Nebraska/Texas A&M meets the next coach at Arkansas/Nebraska/Texas A&M. We're talking a key American Athletic Conference matchup with Memphis (Mike Norvell) traveling to Central Florida (Scott Frost).
Quick Hits: Alabama and Ole Miss have combined for 171 points and 90 first downs in the last two meetings. Don't expect a shootout Saturday. The Tide are favored by nearly four touchdowns … With the absence of Hugh Freeze, there is no coach on the planet to beat Nick Saban more than once … 3 yards and a cloud of Field Turf -- The Big Ten has the top two, three of the top four and four of the 12 scoring defenses headed into Week 5 (No. 1 Minnesota, No. 2 Penn State, No. 4 Wisconsin, No. 12 Michigan) … Wisconsin leads the country in time of possession averaging 37 minutes, 21 seconds per game. If it holds up, that would be the largest number since at least 2007 … How bad is the quarterback injury situation at Maryland? Heading to Minnesota, third stringer Max Bortenschlager, a sophomore, will be the third quarterback to start for the Terps this season. This marks the third straight year and fourth time in six years Maryland has started at least three quarterbacks in a season. The Terps have started five different quarterbacks the last two seasons … Please support the first #SetTheExpectation game between Arizona State and Stanford