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'Game of Thrones' characters as NFL teams
If you aren't watching the HBO show 'Game of Thrones,' you're missing out on the biggest TV phenomenon in recent memory. In fact, the only thing you're going to see with more drama is an NFL season. With Season 7 of Thrones premiering Sunday and NFL camps just weeks away, it's time for a little thought experiment: If you were to cast Season 7 only using NFL teams, how would you do it? Our best shot at matching Thrones characters still on the show (that means no one at the Red Wedding, the bombing of the Great Sept, etc.) with all 32 teams follows. Some are obvious, some less so. If you think it's nothing but chaos, well, you know what Littlefinger thinks about chaos.
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Arizona Cardinals: Olenna Tyrell
One of the elder characters on the show, Lady Olenna is a good fit for the Cardinals, who have two key stars who could be heading into their final season in Larry Fitzgerald and Carson Palmer. Just like the Cardinals are all-in on 2017, Olenna is in win-now mode after losing her heirs in the explosion orchestrated by Cersei. Perfectly blunt in a quick-witted way, she's the show's closest thing to Bruce Arians.
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Atlanta Falcons: Meera Reed
Meera might not be an obvious choice for a team with such an overpowering offense, but she's proven herself in her battles with the wights, and she even manages to kill a White Walker as her group escapes the Three-Eyed Raven's cave. The White Walkers would win that fight as Meera managed to get away after imploring Hodor to "Hold the door!" which the Falcons defense was unable to do against its own White Walkers.
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Baltimore Ravens: Samwell Tarly
Sam is one of the smartest characters on the show, but he's also capable of surprising in a fight, like when he killed a White Walker (hello, 2013 AFC Championship) with dragonglass. John Harbaugh uses his brain to win, like with his everyone-holds safety last year. Also, guard John Urschel, who's pursuing a Ph.D. in mathematics, might very well be the NFL's smartest player.
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Buffalo Bills: Sansa Stark
More a pawn than a player in recent years, the Bills appear to finally be coming into their own, much like Sansa Stark in Season 6. It's finally a new era for the team in the north that has been kept down for so long after feeding one oppressor to the dogs (Rex Ryan) and breaking free of the other decision-maker sinking their prospects (Doug Whaley). Will this finally be the step in the right direction Bills fans are hoping for?
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Carolina Panthers: Tormund Giantsbane
A wildling with the charm of Cam Newton, Tormund is just as dangerous as the Panthers quarterback in close combat. In fact, you can easily picture him as a Panthers linebacker, relentlessly pursing anything that moves. Conversely, Luke Kuechly and Thomas Davis would definitely scale The Wall with smiles on their faces. Though the Panthers had a setback in their version of Hardhome (Super Bowl 50), we haven't heard the last of them.
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Chicago Bears: Yara Greyjoy
Yara has had to deal with transition on the Iron Islands with the murder of her father and the question of who will ascend to the Salt Throne. The Bears are also going through a transition period at quarterback, and Mike Glennon (Euron) is just keeping the seat warm for Mitchell Trubisky. The ironborn are masters of one type of combat (naval), while the Bears are only dangerous rushing the ball.
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Cincinnati Bengals: The Mountain
The Mountain is a brutal and hot-headed warrior who has made plenty of lifelong enemies with his actions, including Oberyn Martell and his own brother, The Hound. The brotherly feud has shades of the brutal AFC North rivalry between the Bengals and Steelers, with Vontaze Burfict doing his best to mimic The Mountain's viciousness on the field.
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Cleveland Browns: Reek/Theon Greyjoy
Though they haven't exactly been world-beaters at any point during the Super Bowl era, things got infinitely worse once the team left for Baltimore and was replaced by something that looked like the Browns but was in fact a broken, hopeless mess of a franchise. The pre-expansion Browns were Theon Greyjoy; can the post-1999 version be anyone other than Reek?
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Dallas Cowboys: Jon Snow
Why wouldn't the NFL's most popular team be the most popular character? Jon has always felt out of place growing up in House Stark, and the Cowboys have never made sense in the NFC "East." Cowboys fans sure felt like they were being stabbed repeatedly seeing Tony Romo go down with injuries multiple times at the end of his career, but after being resurrected in 2016, the Dak/Zeke era looks like it will someday take the Cowboys to the Iron Throne.
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Denver Broncos: Tyrion Lannister
Tyrion's intelligence and ability as a negotiator shines through with the Broncos, who just won a title despite possibly the smartest QB in the history of the game being on his last legs. They then refused to throw a ton of money at the unproven Brock Osweiler, a decision that paid off. The Broncos are known for their defense, as Tyrion is known for his defense of King's Landing at the Battle of Blackwater.
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Detroit Lions: Daario Naharis
Daario is an aggressive fighter who nevertheless can be counted on to come through in the clutch. With no running game to speak of in recent years, the Lions offense stays aggressive almost by necessity. But Matthew Stafford showed last year that you can never count him out. Daenerys has left Daario behind to keep the peace in Meereen, and the Lions might be left behind too after a surprise 2016 playoff berth.
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Green Bay Packers: Jaqen H'ghar
Jaqen is part of the Faceless Men, a team of assassins who serve no one but death. Ask any defense that's had to face Aaron Rodgers what that feels like. The only other Faceless Man we see regularly in the show is the Waif, who is let loose to attack a blind Arya much like Clay Matthews is let loose on quarterbacks from the blind side.
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Houston Texans: Brienne of Tarth
Brienne spends much of the series searching for the Stark girls, much as the Texans have spent recent years searching for a quarterback to lead them. After the Brock Osweiler (Renly Baratheon?) experiment failed, they went chasing after Tony Romo (Arya?) before finally teaming up with rookie Deshaun Watson (Sansa?). Also, "Oathkeeper" sounds like the perfect nickname for a healthy J.J. Watt.
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Indianapolis Colts: Melisandre
Melisandre is far older than she appears, and the Colts have been one of the oldest teams in the league for three years running. If anyone embodies Melisandre's age-defying performance it's Frank Gore, who ran for 1,000 yards as a 33-year-old last year. Melisandre has been banished from the North going into Season 7, and the Colts just went through their own long-needed banishment with Ryan Grigson.
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Jacksonville Jaguars: Grey Worm
Grey Worm is the commander of the Unsullied, an army purchased and then immediately freed by Daenerys, Breaker of Chains. The Jaguars are also a team built with expensive purchases, with this offseason's big ticket acquisitions coming in the form of Calais Campbell and A.J. Bouye. The Jaguars hope that with Leonard Fournette in the fold, they'll be as dangerous in combat as Grey Worm.
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Kansas City Chiefs: Jorah Mormont
Originally from the North, Jorah has spent his time on the show a fish out of water with the Dothraki and Daenerys, much like the Chiefs are in the AFC West despite being east of NFL cities like Dallas and Houston. Jorah is in a time of transition with his banishment (the Chiefs are going through their own rocky phase), but Jorah fans will hope he beats greyscale just as Eric Berry managed to beat lymphoma.
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Los Angeles Chargers: Beric Dondarrion
The Chargers, a Brotherhood Without Banners just like the group Beric leads, are all but dead to the people of San Diego but revived in Los Angeles, making them a great fit for the oft-reborn Beric. Keenan Allen will hope to take a lesson from the mended Beric after his multiple season-ending injuries. Also, some show watchers might not know that Beric also happens to be The Lightning Lord.
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Los Angeles Rams: Littlefinger
Littlefinger has proven to be the mastermind behind many of the defining plotlines of Game of Thrones, and GM Les Snead's early defining masterstroke was the RG3 trade. The Rams recently greased the wheels to move to L.A. and traded up for Jared Goff, then followed that up with an awful year, a new coach, plenty of changes on offense and a new defensive scheme. Clearly they hope chaos will be a ladder.
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Miami Dolphins: Ellaria Sand
Ellaria has been stationed in Dorne for much of Game of Thrones, a realm that feels like a different show from everything else going on. The Dolphins, who like Dorne are situated south of every other team, have always felt separated from the rest of the AFC East due to their location. Ellaria has her young Sand Snakes to fight for her, while the Dolphins also have a wealth of young skill players to attack with.
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Minnesota Vikings: Bran Stark
Not only does Teddy Bridgewater have a last name that makes you think he's already a character in Game of Thrones, but he looked like he could be the hero Minnesota fans had been waiting for – that is, until a gruesome leg injury changed his prospects forever. While Bran will never walk again and Bridgewater may never play, the Vikings soldier on thanks to some help from Benjen Bradford, who we all assumed was dead long ago.
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New England Patriots: The Night King
Could they be any other character? Just when you think you've stopped him, Tom Brady is running through the Three-Eyed Raven's cave like butter and Dan Quinn is screaming, "Hold the door!" at his defense. Plus, Bill Belichick raises his arms in the offseason and all your departed players now belong to him. The biggest question heading into this season: can anyone stop the Patriots or The Night King?
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New Orleans Saints: Ser Bronn
Bronn is regarded as being willing to do anything for the right price, which stirs unpleasant memories of the Saints' Bountygate scandal. But though he lives with the payday in mind, he's also capable of showing sympathy. Much like Drew Brees, he's the guy you want by your side attacking in an unfamiliar land or as part of your siege of a castle due to his offensive skills.
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New York Giants: Jamie Lannister
If you're going to call one team "Kingslayer," it has to be the Giants for what they did against the Patriots twice in the Super Bowl. Jamie can be divisive with the actions he takes throughout the story but is one of the most entertaining characters around, the Thrones' Odell Beckham, if you will. Once you consider Jason Pierre-Paul's fireworks accident, this pairing is basically inevitable.
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New York Jets: Cersei Lannister
If the Giants are being cast as Jamie Lannister, the Jets almost have to be given the role of twin sister Cersei. Thanks to their position in the King's Landing of the NFL (New York), the Jets have carried an importance that sometimes doesn't match their performance. Like Cersei, the Jets have suffered a massive fall from grace in recent years, but they hope that blowing everything up will lead to them assuming power once again like it has for Cersei.
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Oakland Raiders: Daenerys Targaryen
A championship contender, the Raiders have been a team on the move for years (L.A.? Meereen? Oakland? Yunkai?) but now have an end game in mind (Vegas). Who knows where Reggie McKenzie will have to take his army before they get there if Oakland won't let them play out the string. Also, I'll stick to my belief that Khalil Mack is Drogon until you can put them in the same room together and prove me wrong.
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Philadelphia Eagles: Podrick Payne
The Eagles are in a growth phase on offense after choosing Division II star Carson Wentz as their franchise quarterback, knowing he faced a steep learning curve. But he's caught on quickly, and the future seems bright. Young Pod has come leaps and bounds as a fighter already, killing one of Ramsay's men once he and Brienne caught up with Sansa. The best is likely yet to come for both Pod and the Eagles.
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Pittsburgh Steelers: The Hound
As entertaining as watching Antonio Brown celebrate in the end zone, The Hound throws out some of the best one-liners in the series in his travels with Arya. He's motivated by wanting to kill his brother The Mountain (the Bengals of the story), and heading into Season 7 he looks to be on a collision course with the White Walkers (the Patriots of the story).
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San Francisco 49ers: Varys
The Master of Whisperers, Varys is able to play any angle while remaining in the background of the show as a whole. The 49ers have quickly become a similar character this offseason, landing top coaching hire Kyle Shanahan, with whispers of Kirk Cousins wanting a trade to San Francisco to lead Shanahan's offense. Surprise GM hire John Lynch also proved Varys-level chess ability in his first draft.
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Seattle Seahawks: Davos Seaworth
Davos has proven to be a loyal character, though he's not afraid to speak his mind to his superiors against perceived errors in judgment, making him in a way the Richard Sherman of Game of Thrones. Davos still seems to be finding his way after losing Stannis Baratheon as a leader, and the Seahawks offense has yet to recover from the loss of Marshawn Lynch. The "Sea-" connection is just icing on the cake.
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Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Lyanna Mormont
An absolute scene stealer in Season 6, the young Lady of Bear Island is a worthy sleeper pick to one day rule them all based on her ferocity, loyalty and bravery at the age of just 10 years old. A perennial sleeper, the Bucs are also led by a young future MVP candidate in Jameis Winston. With reinforcements in tow this offseason, the Bucs are a trendy team on the rise, just like Lyanna.
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Tennessee Titans: Arya Stark
A team on the rise, the Titans have been building a winner for the last few years and look ready to challenge in the AFC. Arya has proven adaptable to her situation, and after mastering new tactics at the House of Black and White, she's proven to be an offensive force as she scratches off the names on her list. The exotic smashmouth Titans seem just as dangerous as this new Arya heading into 2017.
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Washington Redskins: Eddison Tollett
Dolorous Edd's sarcastic wit is a good fit for the team with a quarterback who churns out catchphrases like "You like that?" and "How do you like me now?" on a regular basis, and his pessimism is a good fit for a fan base that never expects the front office to get things right. Edd was put in charge of the Night's Watch on Jon Snow's way out the door, and like the Night's Watch, the Redskins' front office has also gone through recent changes.
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