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Hollywood working professionals Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are getting a divorce. Did you know that? It's true. They're getting a divorce. Know who's not getting a divorce at this writing? Ambulatory plush dolls Mr. Met and his better half Mrs. Met. Plenty of couples won't be getting a divorce, but Mr. Met is the one who's presently engaging in marital triumphalism at the expense of Brangelina. Here, see for yourself ...

Look, Adolph (that's Mr. Met's first name), perhaps propping yourself up using the personal strife of others isn't the best look. Besides, yours has been known to be a an arranged marriage based on organically developed love but rather in the crass interests of marketing and brand enhancement. So you can have your sexless union, Adolph. Also, Brad Pitt's newly single, so I wouldn't be walking around in a state of assumption regarding your hold over Mrs. Met.

Here, here's a petition that calls on Congress to forcibly divorce Mr. and Mrs. Met and to imprison Mr. Met for the crime of high treason.