MIAMI -- Deep within the bowels of FanFest at the 2017 MLB All-Star Game, real-life mascots took part in a home run derby. Who won scarcely matters. What does matter is that Stomper -- right-wise and fightin' totem of the Oakland Athletics -- summoned up his mightiest efforts and found, to his mounting chagrin, that they yielded nothing more than a tepid pop-up. 

Why are we telling you this? We are telling you this because this present media outlet shot slow-motion, action-news, color-television footage of the moment in question. Please regard, and also please activate the audio so as to appreciate the industrial clang of implement upon implement ... 

Stomper failed and then, in keeping with ancient tradition, drooped and slouched away from the blast field of his shortcomings like adult Charlie Brown upon the occasion of his third divorce. 

People, it's OK to fail in life, but when you do by God act like you've failed. And if possible recreate the Clang of Foundering following those legion moments whenever your best -- LOLs be heard -- is so much less than enough.