Bartolo Colon is nearing his 45th birthday and is coming off a horrible season in which he posted a 67 ERA+ and was worth 3.2 wins below replacement, per Baseball Reference. It's fair, then, to think he should be thrilled with the fact he's in camp with the Texas Rangers, let alone vying for a rotation spot.

Sure enough, Colon does seem happy about his status -- doubly so because he's with an American League team, meaning the designated hitter is in play. Lest anyone think we're poking fun at Colon, or assuming too much, here's what he said Thursday, according to Cut4:

And, as he told reporters through a translator on Thursday after allowing an earned run in two innings of work against the Padres, Colon's happy to be with the Rangers -- specifically, in the American League, which "is where he wants to be, because he doesn't have to hit or run."

Colon's joy is sensible. In 322 career plate appearances, he's hit .085/.093/.108 with one walk and 163 strikeouts. Just five of his 25 hits have been for extra bases, including, yes, that home run he hit off James Shields. 

Colon has been so allergic to reaching base that Sam Miller once asked whether he'd so much as touched the bag over the season's first two-plus months.

So, yeah, Colon is quite fine not having to swing the stick or run the bases. Thanks for asking.