It's Big Ben vs. the Red Rifle for the AFC North title. (USATSI)
It's Big Ben vs. the Red Rifle for the AFC North title. (USATSI)

Everyone's been good this year, so for Christmas, you get my Week 17 picks. I'll admit, it's not that great of a gift, but it's all I have and that's mainly because CBS Sports vetoed my other idea which was buying every reader a waffle maker.

Apparently, my bosses thought buying 1.7 million waffle makers would be 'too expensive.' I told them you can't put a price on good waffles and they said actually you can put a price on good waffles.

As it turns out, they're right, the price is $48.95 plus tax. At first, that seemed a little steep, but the waffle maker also makes sandwiches, so it's basically a steal at $48.95.

While we're still on the subject of gifts, let me offer you some quick advice: If you see Manti Te'o this week, don't ask him if he got Lennay anything because apparently, it's still way too soon to be asking questions like that. 

You know what it's not too soon for? Learning the very mysterious art of the mule kick.

The only reason I'm telling you about the Josh Brown-approved kick to the face is because you might need it this week. Unwanted relatives are everywhere during the holidays and it's always nice to have a mule kick in your arsenal, "just in case."

Anyway, you didn't come here to learn how to do a mule kick, you came here for the Week 17 picks. If for some reason you did come here to learn how to do a mule kick though, then I recommend watching Josh Brown do it and emulating whatever he does. He seems to be pretty good at it. 

Back to the subject at hand though.

If you want to make fun of me for all of the wrong picks I made last week, you can do that in the comment section or on Twitter. If you're looking for a last minute gift idea from Devin Hester, it looks like he's thinking massage gift certificate. 

If you don't know anyone who needs a massage, don't worry, I have a backup gift idea for you: This puppy.

I'm not sure what's going on here or why that puppy looks like it's been painted the same way as the Bengals end zone, but I'm guessing PETA's going to be involved soon. 

Now that we're through our weekly picture of an animal in an NFL jersey (who wasn't really in a jersey this week), it's time for me to tell you that you can check out the weekly picks from every CBSSports.com NFL expert here. Their picks are probably all wrong though, so let's get to my picks.

Week 17 Picks

San Diego (9-6) at Kansas City (8-7), 1 p.m. ET (CBS): If Philip Rivers wasn't basically duct taped together at this point, I'd feel comfortable picking San Diego in this game. The Chargers quarterback has a bulging disk in his back, which is one place you definitely don't want to have a bulging disk. A healthy Rivers couldn't beat the Chiefs in San Diego and I don't see a banged up Rivers beating the Chiefs at Arrowhead, which is too bad because a win over Kansas City would put San Diego in the playoffs. Chiefs 23-20 over Chargers. 

Atlanta (6-9) at Carolina (6-8-1), 4:25 p.m. ET (CBS): Carolina has definitely had one of the more interesting seasons in NFL history. Eleven weeks ago, they played a tie game. Two weeks ago, their quarterback was in a car crash and now, they've won three in a row, which is tied for the third longest winning streak in the NFL. The perfect cap to this wild season would be a playoff berth. Unfortunately for Carolina, I hate things that cap perfectly. Falcons 23-20 over Panthers. 

By the way, you are reading that right. Falcons-Panthers was cross-flexed to CBS. 

Detroit (11-4) at Green Bay (11-4), 4:25 p.m. ET (FOX): The Lions literally have a player on their roster who wasn't even born the last time Detroit won in Green Bay. Lions rookie Eric Ebron has been alive for three presidents, the invention of viagra and he was even alive to witness Carson Daly somehow become famous, but he's never seen a Lions win over the Packers in Green Bay.

Ebron was born on April 10, 1993. The Lions last win in Green Bay came on Dec. 15, 1991, the team is 0-22 since.  

The only thing uglier than Detroit's record in Green Bay is Matthew Stafford's road record against teams that finish a season with a winning record. Stafford has gone on the road to face a team with a winning record 16 times and he's lost all 16 games. What I'm trying to say here is that there's a chance Ebron's grandchildren might not live to see a Detroit win in Green Bay. Packers 31-20 over Lions.

Cincinnati (10-4-1) at Pittsburgh (10-5), 8:30 p.m. ET (NBC): The last time these two teams played, Bengals running back Jeremy Hill only touched the ball eight times, which was confusing because he averaged 5.8 yards per carry. Bengals offensive coordinator Hue Jackson probably won't be confused this time around though and you can bet Hill will get more than eight carries.

On the Steelers' end, it's going to be almost impossible for Pittsburgh to top what Big Ben (350 yards, three touchdowns) and Le'Veon Bell (235 total yards, three touchdowns) produced the first time around against the Bengals. I see less production from those two and less points for the Steelers. I also see a worse playoff seed for Pittsburgh after this game because that's what happens when you lose. Bengals 27-24 over Steelers. 

Week 17 picks where I'm not sure who to pick because one of the teams will likely be resting some of its starters 

Buffalo at New England, 1 p.m. ET (CBS): The Patriots have nothing to play for in this game unless you count Tom Brady's 43-game home-winning streak. I count that. Brady hasn't lost at home to an AFC team since 2006. We'll find out if that streak means anything to Bill Belichick, if it doesn't, the Patriots starters will likely sit. Patriots 24-20 over Bills.

Dallas at Washington, 1 p.m. ET (FOX): Based on math I just did in my head, the Cowboys have about a .038 percent chance of earning a first-round bye and I think Jason Garrett knows that. I'm not a doctor, but I feel like resting your quarterback (who has a bad back) and your running back (who has a broken hand) would be a good idea and I think that's what Garrett does. Redskins 23-20 over Cowboys.

Week 17 Picks: All the rest

Ravens 27-17 over Browns

Colts 24-17 over Titans

Houston 27-13 over Jaguars

Dolphins 24-20 over Jets

Vikings 30-20 over Bears

Giants 30-27 over Eagles

Saints 20-13 over Buccaneers

Broncos 27-20 over Raiders

49ers 20-17 over Cardinals

Seahawks 31-13 over Rams

Last week

Best pick: Last week, I picked the Bengals to beat the Broncos and then the Bengals went out and beat the Broncos. I only have two theories on how an Andy Dalton-led team won a primetime game. 

Theory 1: The Bengals installed lights that emitted UVA rays at Paul Brown Stadium, which made Dalton think it was a day game.

Theory 2: Dalton spent the week practicing in a time zone 18 hours away so that his body clock would convince him that Monday's 8:30 p.m. start was actually a 1 p.m. Sunday game. 

Theory one seems more plausible, but I haven't ruled out theory two yet. 

Worst pick: Going into Week 16, the Saints had lost four consecutive home games, but I decided to completely ignore that fact and pick them to win at home over the Falcons. Guess who didn't beat the Falcons?

When I get picks wrong, I generally like to blame someone, so I'm blaming the guy below. He's basically New Orleans' Steve Bartman. 

Straight up in Week 16: 9-7

SU Overall: 154-85-1

Against the spread in Week 16: 8-8

ATS Overall: 120-120

Exact score predictions this season: 1