It's National Mascot Day, so let's rank the mascots of every MLB team
Consider this to be as important as it is authoritative
By
Dayn Perry
•
3 min read
Know what Thursday occasions? This ...
Squad goals. #NationalMascotDaypic.twitter.com/qSpVk2D0Oi
— MLB (@MLB) June 16, 2016
Hills be shaken: It is indeed National Mascot Day. In honor of those secular day of obligation, let us now undertake an urgent and authoritative ranking of official MLB mascots.
In doing this, we're going to consider only the official mascots, and we're only going to rank one mascot from each team (a few clubs have more than one, which suggests a craven lack of decisiveness on the part of the organization). With that housekeeping out of the way, let us proceed at once to this matter of Internet Importance ...
T- 30. Angels, Dodgers, Yankees
These three teams do not have official mascots because they are submerged in either self-regard or rank indolence. Since they can hardly be bothered, we made a mascot for them ...
27. Homer the Brave, Braves
Compliment: Baseball heads are cool.
Criticism: Too derivative of No. 4. Baseball head looks like mask from movie Scream.
26. Clark the Cub, Cubs
Compliment: Not named "Addison."
Criticism: Nude from the waist down.
25. D. Baxter the Bobcat
Compliment: Looks like he could dunk.
Criticism: Often seems on the verge of taking a hostage, is not a snake.
24. Dinger, Rockies
Compliment: Is a dinosaur.
Criticism: Is not a mountain. If Stanford can have a tree mascot, then the Rockies can have a mountain mascot.
23. Rangers Captain, Rangers
Compliment: Is a horse who often wields a baseball glove.
Criticism: Breathes through mouth, takes obvious joy in hearing Cotton-Eyed Joe.
22. Screech, Nationals
Compliment: Looks more stunned than happy.
Criticism: Clearly skipped leg day, should be named "Bill of Rights."
21. Ace, Blue Jays
Compliment: Face matches jersey.
Criticism: Hair is too perfect, wears pant cuffs too low.
20. T.C. Bear, Twins
Compliment: Pant-less, but has decency to wear low-hemmed jersey.
Criticism: Given team name, should be a two-headed bear.
19. Wally the Green Monster, Red Sox
Compliment: Is named Wally.
Criticism: Never trust a man whose rear end is wider than his shoulders, wears a belt.
18. Fredbird, Cardinals
Compliment: Is 6-feet-3.
Criticism: Pupils too dilated, rumored to feast on human heads.
17. Raymond, Rays
Compliment: Is Craig Stadler.
Criticism: Nude from waist down.
16. Southpaw, White Sox
Compliment: Is green, wears full uniform.
Criticism: Too wide-eyed for comfort.
15. Slider, Indians
Compliment: Plainly not of this world.
Criticism: Has likely infectious skin condition.
14. Swinging Friar, Padres
Compliment: Tonsured scalp, which suggests deep commitment to ascetic lifestyle; bats in sandals.
Criticism: Visage may be described as "credulous to excess." Is human, which is overrated.
13. Orbit, Astros
Compliment: Whimsical, occasionally Gives the Business to opposing ballplayers.
Criticism: From space, which is overrated. Has no lips.
12. Stomper, Athletics
Compliment: Mascot that most closely resembles shrug emoji.
Criticism: If you imagine his tongue as a pair of buck teeth, then he looks like a mouse.
11. Lou Seal, Giants
Compliment: Good name, seals are cute, excellent whiskers, Horace Grant goggles.
Criticism: Wears hat backwards, for which a focus group is likely to blame.
10. Mariner Moose, Mariners
Compliment: Is a moose, good eyebrows.
Criticism: Drives an ATV as though there's nothing left to lose ...
9. The Pirate Parrot
Compliment: Has obvious beer gut.
Criticism: Would've made a lousy Puritan.
8. Sluggerrr, Royals
Compliment: Obviously lifts, shoots hot dogs at people.
Criticism: Seems like a loud talker, what appears to be a crown is actually a set of prehensile appendages growing out of his head.
7. Oriole Bird, Orioles
Compliment: Has an awesome hat, has same eyes as Huckleberry Hound.
Criticism: Has a totally mailed-in name.
6. PAWS, Tigers
Compliment: Hair calls to mind late-career Vic Tayback, seems chill, looks like he was drawn by a child.
Criticism: Name is in all-caps.
5. Billy the Marlin, Marlins
Compliment: Disarming body shape, welcoming smile, looks like a big buffoon (yes, this is a compliment), is a walking fish.
Criticism: Not furry.
4. Mr. Met, Mets
Compliment: Has a baseball for a head.
Criticism: Ever-present white gloves imply criminal past.
3. Bernie Brewer, Brewers
Compliment: Evocative of Gene Wilder, suggestive of beer consumption.
Criticism: He's not this sum buck, who, if official, would be No. 1 with ease ...
Compliment: Tenured, non-sequitur-ish, generous with the pratfalls.
Criticism: Beseeching, looks like he smells.
1. Mr. Redlegs, Reds
Compliment: Looks equally capable of getting out the vote for Tammany Hall or brawling in a cobblestone alley, eyes suggest a zeal for bedlam.
Criticism: Appears drunk as hell.
And there you have it. Please post your hearty agreements and warm compliments in the comments section.
