We're nearing the end of January, and still Bryce Harper and Manny Machado remain unsigned. There's a good chance that this stalemate is the result of two high-powered agents waiting for the other to make the first move, in an everlasting game of brinkmanship.

But many other factors could be in play as well, from widespread lack of interest in winning to clever efforts to tamp down spending to a case of Waiting for Godot (or in this case Mystery Team) to the usual unsubstantiated claims of teams' poverty.

Thanks to months of investigative journalism, we no longer need to speculate over why this Hot Stove season has been slow-moving, and why two huge talents in their mid-20s are still out there. Now it can be told: the 30 reasons why every major-league team isn't signing Harper or Machado.

Arizona Diamondbacks: Still hungover from the seven-month party that 29 other teams threw in their honor, after the shakedown lawsuit they filed to escape their stadium lease actually worked.

Atlanta Braves: Anytime you can follow a Cinderella division-winning season by watching your NL East rivals make big splashes, the correct move is to re-sign 35-year-old Nick Markakis. Good to know that a $622 million publicly-financed stadium and a surge to the top of the standings hasn't stopped Braves owner Liberty Media from remaining a legendary skinflint.

Baltimore Orioles: The whole reason Harper and Machado are such attractive free agents is that they're young enough to remain stars for years to come. Fortunately, tanking is a bulletproof excuse for everything.

Boston Red Sox: Already got their ring. Don't need another.

Chicago Cubs: The Ricketts family business, TD Ameritrade, is barely eking by with a $31 billion market cap. Can't spend money under such duress.

Chicago White Sox: They actually made an offer! It was for about half what Machado was projected to get as he entered his walk year before free agency, but still. They get a pass.

Cincinnati Reds: They've acquired Yasiel Puig, Matt Kemp, Alex Wood, Tanner Roark and Sonny Gray this offseason. It's not Harper or Machado. But for a perennial cellar dweller, they too can have a pass.

Cleveland Indians: Built an AL Central advantage deemed so insurmountable, they considered trading their two-time Cy Young winner for prospects. Mind you, they could always trade Kluber, Bauer, Lindor, Ramirez, the stadium, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and that box of tattered Andre Thornton cards that lives under the bleachers for some payroll relief. Maybe then they could pay for one year of Harper or Machado.

Colorado Rockies: Spent it all on Ian Desmond, who isn't good, but does fulfill the Rockies' Expos draft pick quota.

Detroit Tigers: They are actually investing significant resources into building out an analytics department, hiring scouts, and doing constructive things as they try to rebuild/not win now. So we'll just say Miguel Cabrera and Jordan Zimmermann and move on.

Houston Astros: Orbit's dry-cleaning bills are no joke.

Kansas City Royals: The Process. Trust it.

Los Angeles Dodgers: The Dodgers' owners bought the team for more than $2 billion. They have a local TV deal worth $8.4 billion. And the structure of their company Guggenheim Partners effectively enables them to control infinity billion dollars in OTM (Other People's Money). But hey, luxury tax.

Los Angeles Angels: They'd love to, really. But benevolent owner Arte Moreno has stadium deals to extort and minimum wage-making stadium workers to screw over. No time for anything else.

Miami Marlins: Given what happened with Stanton, Yelich and Ozuna, the Marlins would probably sign Harper then trade him for a pack of Big League Chew by Memorial Day. Mind you, if it's grape flavor, that's a pretty sweet deal.

Milwaukee Brewers: They've snatched the likes of Travis Shaw, Jhoulys Chacin, Lorenzo Cain, Christian Yelich and now Yasmani Grandal without breaking the bank or giving up any serious prospects. So why bother?

Minnesota Twins: Still paying for Dan Gladden's hairdresser, and with good reason. Don't mess with success.

New York Mets: Sure, Robinson Cano is 10 years older, not as good as Harper or Machado, and costs a ton in his own right. But ... purple monkey dishwasher.

New York Yankees: In their long and storied history, the Yankees have never spent big money on a free agent. They're not about to start now.

Oakland Athletics:

Philadelphia Phillies: The stupid money apparently got stuck in stupid traffic on the way to the ballpark.

Pittsburgh Pirates: Nutting is going to stop the Pirates from spending real money on premium talent. Absolutely Nutting.

San Diego Padres: They shook off decades of miserly existence by throwing $144 million at Eric Hosmer. And in his first year as a Padre, he was terrible. Check back in 2075.

San Francisco Giants: Garlic fries are a staple at AT&T Park, and Giants owners swear Harper and Machado are vampires.

Seattle Mariners: Wouldn't it be amazing if Jerry Dipoto's 82-deals-a-day efforts to pare salary and rebuild was just a smokescreen for signing Harper and Machado in one fell swoop?

Cardinals: The Best Fans In Baseball will not tolerate two things: A rival player calling their fine city boring, and Johnny No-Hustle.

Tampa Bay Rays: The largest free-agent contract in Rays history went to Greg Vaughn, for $34 million, 20 years ago. So yeah, the Rays are a lock to give Bryce Harper $400 million.

Texas Rangers: Still paying for Chan Ho Park.

Toronto Blue Jays: Platooning Garth Iorg and Rance Mulliniks instead.

Washington Nationals: With the Dodgers opting for the older, more injury-prone, and much cheaper A.J. Pollock instead, the Nats are probably going to end up re-signing Harper eventually. They're just going to watch old Eastern Motors commercials and make him sweat a bit first.