If the Bills ever decide to construct a Mount Rushmore of sadness, I'm pretty sure they're the only team in the NFL that could fill the entire thing with faces of guys who have quit the team. For some reason, it's starting to seem like some people are signing a contract with the Bills just so they can quit at the most awkward time possible, and no one picked a more awkward time than Vontae Davis. 

Davis quit his job at halftime of the Bills game against the Chargers on Sunday, decided to retire, and then left the stadium. I have no idea where Davis is going to hold his retirement party, but I'm guessing it's not going to be in Buffalo. 

I never thought we'd reach a point in Bills history where the fans would start fondly remembering the team's four-straight Super Bowl losses because it would be less painful than what they're going through now, but I think we're there. 

If you're scoring at home, here's what Bills fans have had to deal with so far this season: Their team is horrible, they're not allowed to slam each other through tables anymore, their star running back is injured and their players are quitting mid-game. 

To be honest, that last thing doesn't even qualify as weird and that's because at least one person in the organization seems to quit on the team every year. 

Most teams couldn't put two people in their Quitters Power Rankings, the Bills have five. 

Of course, the upside to Davis' retirement is that if you ever need to explain irony to someone, all you have to do is show them the tweet below. . 

vontae-davis-bills-quit-retire.png
Vontae Davis probably loves irony.  Twitter

I'm going to print that one out and put it on my fridge. 

After Davis ditched the Bills on Sunday, I thought for sure that could be the craziest story of the day in the NFL, but then I remembered the Browns exist. As long as the Browns exist there will always be a new form of crazy and that form of crazy will always be them finding a new way to lose, which seems to happen every week. 

This time around, their kicker pulled a Vontae Davis, but only in the sense that neither of them have a job anymore. Zane Gonzalez got cut on Monday after missing four pivotal kicks against the Saints (two field goals, two extra points). 

It's too bad the Browns didn't scour Bourbon Street for a kicker to sign over the weekend, because I'm 40 percent sure this drunk Browns fan in the French Quarter is better than any kicker Cleveland has signed over the past five years.

The twist here is that drunken French Quarter kicker tryouts might actually be the Browns' best chance to find a successful replacement for Gonzalez. 

Speaking of Gonzalez, the only person who had a worse week than him was probably NFL.com's Marc Sessler. Let me just say that this is why I never promise to drink bleach on Twitter. 

Also, I've never bought a 1,000 day supply of bleach, but I have to imagine, it can't be cheap.

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Alright, enough stalling, let's get to the picks. 

Actually, before we get to my picks, here's a quick reminder that you can check out the weekly picks from every CBSSports.com NFL expert by clicking here. The reason you should click over and check out the other experts this week is because Pete Prisco bested EVERY other media member in the country.

Prisco has been picking NFL games since before I was alive, before you were alive and I'm pretty sure he was also somehow picking games before football was even invented. I think the point I'm trying to make here is that all those years of hard work have finally paid off for Prisco, because he dominated everyone in the country over the weekend with his Week 2 picks. According to our friends at Pickwatch, Prisco's record of 12-3-1 was the best showing out of the 117 media members they keep track of. 

After 78 years of picking NFL games, the tides have finally turned in Prisco's direction. Some day, they will also turn in my direction. Until then, you can click here to follow Prisco on Twitter, where you can ask him what his secret is to making NFL picks. 

As for my Week 3 picks, let's get to those now, and just so you know, I promise not to quit on them halfway through. 

New York Jets (1-1) at Cleveland (1-0-1) 

Thursday, 8:20 p.m. ET (NFL Network) 

If I've noticed one thing about the Browns this season, it's that they basically show up every Sunday with no offensive game plan and then make it up as they go along. Not surprisingly, this hasn't been working out well for them so far and I think people are starting to notice. 

The thing about Thursday games though is that there's not really enough time for either team to implement a great game plan, so not having one at all can actually work out in your favor, which probably explains why the Browns are 2-2 in their past four Thursday games. To put that in perspective, the Browns are 0-34-1 in their past 35 Sunday games, which means that somehow the Browns are actually better when they don't have to go through a full week of practice. In a weird way, that kind of explains the past 20 years of Browns football. 

Conventional wisdom says never pick the Browns to win a game because they never actually win any games, but I've decided to throw conventional wisdom out the window this week and take the Browns by three points, which actually seems like a horrible decision based on the Browns' track record with last-second field goals this year, but I'm going to do it anyway. If their new kicker struggles on Thursday, the Browns need to hunt down the drunk guy from the French Quarter and sign him. Actually, they should just sign him anyway. 

The pick: Browns 19-16 over Jets

Oakland (0-2) at Miami (2-0) 

1 p.m. ET (CBS) 

Jon Gruden is only two games into his 10-year contract and his $100 million deal is already starting to look like a worse investment than MoviePass Stock. 

In a period of just two weeks, Gruden has managed to trade away his best defensive player, he's won zero games and he's even being mocked by opposing punters, which is arguably the closest a coach can get to rock bottom in the NFL. If you're wondering how a punter could possibly mock a coach, here's a video that former Raiders punter Marquette King made about Gruden. 

I'm not sure if there's an Academy Awards for Twitter videos, but if there is, someone needs to nominate that.

Oh, and let's not forget about the fact that Gruden also doesn't seem to be getting along with his general manager. 

Although everything I've listed so far has been bad, the biggest disaster for the Raiders has been their second-half play. In both games this season, the Raiders have led at halftime, only to get outscored by 36 points combined (43-7) in the second half. To put that in perspective, no other team in the NFL has even been outscored by 25 points total in the second half this year. It's almost like Gruden forgot how to make halftime adjustments or forgot that they even existed during his 10 years away from coaching. 

If Raiders owner Mark Davis wanted to have a below average football team that can't score in the second half, he could have just hired Jeff Fisher. As for the Dolphins, they've been involved in two of the weirdest games of the season so far, so I fully expect something weird to happen on Sunday, like a Raiders win. 

The pick: Raiders 30-27 over Dolphins

Los Angeles Chargers (1-1) at Los Angeles Rams (2-0) 

4:05 p.m. ET (CBS) 

For the past 12 months, I've been wondering if any Chargers fans actually exist in L.A. and I have to think that we're going to find out during this game. When the Chargers play at home, the stadium is usually filled with about 90 percent visiting fans, 9 percent confused fans who thought they were buying Rams tickets and five Chargers fans. And just for the record, all my estimates are based on the photo below from the Chargers HOME opener. 

With Sunday's game being played as a Rams home game, the big question is whether or not those five Chargers fans are going to be making the trip to the Coliseum, because, let's be honest, the Chargers can't really afford to lose those fans at this point. 

The easiest way for the Chargers to pick up some more fans in L.A. would be to win this game, but I don't see that happening. Rams owner Stan Kroenke is a billionaire and I'm pretty sure he spent roughly half of all his money this offseason handing out huge extensions, just to make sure the Rams don't lose this game. 

By the way, if the NFL really wanted to drum up interest for this game, they would make it a Pay-Per-View and pay Vince McMahon millions of dollars to promote it as a "Loser leaves Los Angeles" game. Ratings would go through the roof in San Diego and St. Louis. 

As for the actual game, the Rams have the fifth-highest scoring offense in the NFL, they've given up only one touchdown all season, and I'm not sure anyone can stop them, especially a Chargers defense that probably won't have Joey Bosa. 

The pick: Rams 30-20 over Chargers

Dallas (1-1) at Seattle (0-2) 

4:25 p.m. ET (FOX) 

It doesn't seem possible, but through two games this year Russell Wilson has already been sacked a total of 12 times. As a matter of fact, the Seahawks' offensive line has been so bad this season that Seattle fans are now cheering on any drive where Russell Wilson doesn't die. 

I'm not a lawyer for the Department of Labor, but I'm pretty sure Wilson has to be a strong candidate for hazard pay at this point. Eventually, the Seahawks will play a team that has no pass rush, but unfortunately for Wilson, that's not going to be this week. After getting steamrolled by the Bears on Monday to the tune of six sacks, the Seahawks offensive line is now going to have to deal with a Cowboys defense that ranks second in the NFL with nine sacks on the season. 

Of course, the one thing the Seahawks have going for them this week is that they're playing at home. After spending the first two weeks of the season on the road, the Seahawks finally get to play their home opener on Sunday, which I'm only bringing up because they have NEVER LOST a homer opener under Pete Carroll. This is basically the Joe DiMaggio hitting streak of NFL home openers. Since Carroll took over in 2010, the Seahawks have gone 8-0 in home openers, and let me just tell you that DiMaggio never won eight straight NFL home openers. The Seahawks are also 13-0 all-time in September home games under Carroll. 

I have no idea why the Seahawks are so unbeatable in September home games, but if I've learned one thing during my life, it's that I don't need to understand something to appreciate it. I still have no idea why a human agreed to marry a stuffed bear in Ted 2, but I watch that movie regularly, mostly for the Tom Brady cameo.  

If the Cowboys didn't have one of the three worst offenses in the NFL, I would be tempted to pick them, but they do, so there's no temptation here.   

The pick: Seahawks 20-16 over Cowboys

Pittsburgh (0-1-1) at Tampa Bay (2-0) 

Monday, 8:15 p.m. ET (ESPN) 

I don't know how it happened, but in a period of just two weeks, Ryan Fitzpatrick has somehow gone from being a completely average NFL quarterback to being the most famous Harvard alumni who has ever lived. Sure, some people might argue that Matt Damon or Conan O'Brien or Mark Zuckerberg are all more famous, but I'm not buying that because I've never seen any of those guys throw for 400 yards and four touchdowns in a football game. I mean, let's look at their résumés. 

Inventing Facebook? Easy. 

Hosting your own late night show? Simple. 

Winning an Oscar? No problem. 

Leading the Buccaneers to a 2-0 start? Borderline miracle.

If Zuckerberg was smart, he would jump on the Fitzpatrick hype-train now and change the name of Facebook to Fitzbook and then immediately require everyone to wear the outfit below in their profile picture. 

I think I wore an outfit like that to a CBS Christmas party once. It's a miracle I still have a job. 

Although I should be sold on Fitzpatrick at this point, I'm not. Look, the guy has been in the NFL since 2005 and he's never made the playoffs and there's a reason for that: For every two games where he looks like a Hall of Famer, there are three more games where he plays like he learned the game of football from JaMarcus Russell. 

The law of averages says that Fitzpatrick is going to have a bad game at some point, and I'm guessing that is going to be on Monday night. On the other hand, Murphy's Law says that the Steelers are going to completely implode on Monday, so maybe I just got my laws mixed up, which is completely possible. I mean, I didn't go to Harvard. Of course, you don't need a Harvard degree to know that the Steelers have been unbeatable in primetime recently: In their past 10 night games the Steelers have gone 10-0. 

The pick: Steelers 34-30 over Buccaneers

NFL Week 3 picks: All the rest

Falcons 41-34 over Saints

Chiefs 38-24 over 49ers

Vikings 34-13 over Bills

Eagles 22-16 over Colts

Packers 27-24 over Redskins

Bengals 23-20 over Panthers

Jaguars 27-17 over Titans

Ravens 23-16 over Broncos

Texans 20-17 over Giants

Bears 27-10 over Cardinals

Patriots 31-23 over Lions

Last Week

Best pick: Last week, I said the Chargers would beat the Bills 31-20 in the Nathan Peterman revenge game and then the Chargers went out and beat the Bills 31-20 in the Nathan Peterman revenge game, which means I picked the EXACT SCORE of the game. I'm pretty sure this is the closest I'll ever get to knowing what it feels like to pick the exact price of a showcase on "The Price is Right." Although I would love to sit here and write 17 paragraphs about how brilliant my pick was, I'm not going to do that because the last thing the world needs right now is for anyone to write 17 paragraphs about anything that has to do with the Bills. Basically, I'm quitting on the best pick section. Vontae Davis would be proud.  

Worst pick: I've made some bad picks in my life -- the time I accidentally chose a vegetarian meal at my friend's wedding is probably in the top three -- but from a football perspective, my preseason prediction for the Buccaneers might go down as my worst prediction ever. Just before the season started, I predicted that the Buccaneers would be the worst team in football and that they would finish the year with a 2-14 record. As soon as I made the prediction, Bucs fans let me have it on Twitter, which was mostly surprising, because I didn't know there were Bucs fans on Twitter. 

The guy below even made a bold prediction that I laughed at three weeks ago, but now I think the joke is on me. 

At this point, the only way my prediction can come true is if the Bucs finish the year on a 14-game losing streak. I guess that means my only hope at this point is that Jameis Winston returns from suspension and a quarterback controversy ends up derailing their season. 

If the Bucs do pick up their third win of the season this week, I guess I'll have to eat crow, which actually won't even bother me because I know it will taste better than the vegetarian meal I had at my friend's wedding. 

Picks record

Straight up in Week 2: 11-4-1 
SU overall: 20-10-2
Against the spread in Week 2: 8-8
ATS overall: 15-16-1
Exact score predictions: 1

You can find John Breech on Facebook or Twitter and if he's not doing one of those things, he's probably trying to use his MoviePass even thought it's impossible to use your MoviePass at this point.