I didn't ask to be classified as a Millennial, but since I am, I now take advantage of it every month by making a list of my favorite Millennials. The list usually consists of me, Mark Zuckerberg, Justin Bieber and Beyonce, but this month I've decided to dump Bieber and add Rams coach Sean McVay.
Somehow, McVay has taken an offense that ranked dead last in points scored last season and turned it into the highest-scoring offense in the NFL. Through four games, the Rams have scored 142 points, which I'm only mentioning because the last time they scored 142 points through their first four games came in 1999 when they ended the season as Super Bowl champs. Although the Rams were exciting that season, their offense wasn't designed by a Millennial, so that team wasn't even half as fun as the Rams are this year.
Now, I know what you're thinking, "Should every team hire a Millennial as its head coach?"
Although I want to say yes, that seems like an age discrimination lawsuit waiting to happen, and the NFL has a lot on its plate right now, so I'm thinking the league should probably hold off for a few years before it goes Full Millennial.
The crazy thing about McVay's Rams is that they're not even the most exciting thing in Los Angeles right now. That honor goes to the Chargers, but only because they're winning free food for everyone every time they lose, which makes cheering for a Chargers loss almost as exciting as rooting for a Rams win.
A restaurant in San Diego has decided to give away free tacos every time the Chargers lose this year and through four weeks, the Chargers are basically on pace to bankrupt the place.
If the Chargers are wondering why fans aren't showing up to watch them at their tiny soccer stadium in L.A., it's because everyone is staying at home and actively rooting for them to lose so they can get free tacos. There is no one alive who doesn't enjoy a free taco. I bet getting a free taco was the first thing.
Anyway, that's enough talking about free tacos and Millennials, let's get to the picks.
Actually, before we get to the picks, here's your weekly reminder to check out all the NFL picks here at CBSSports.com, which you can do by clicking here. The reason you're going to want to click over and check things out this week is because Jason La Canfora put on a clinic in Week 4 by going 12-4 with his picks. Well technically, I guess it wasn't actually a clinic, but I think you get the point, and it's probably a good thing that it wasn't a clinic because Millennials can't afford to go to those.
However, we Millennials can afford to buy NFL jerseys for our pets, even if the cat doesn't even really want to be wearing the NFL jersey we buy them.
Let's get to the picks.
NFL Week 5 Picks
L.A. Chargers (0-4) at N.Y. Giants (0-4)
1 p.m. ET (CBS)
After three straight games in L.A., the Chargers are finally hitting the road, which I actually think is good news for the team because I'm pretty sure they're going to feel more at home on the road than they do at home.
It's almost fitting that the Chargers are going to New York this week because the Manning family might be the only people alive who dislike the Chargers more than the entire population of L.A. If you're wondering why the Manning's don't get along with the Chargers, let me give you a brief refresher: The Chargers wanted to take Eli Manning with the No. 1 overall pick in the 2004 draft, but Eli didn't want to play for the Chargers, so he told them he if they selected him. Well, guess what? THE CHARGERS SELECTED HIM ANYWAY, which gave us the greatest draft picture of all time.
I mean, look at their faces. This picture is definitely the closest thing to a hostage video that we're ever going to see from a No. 1 overall pick. I think this is probably also the closest we're ever going to get to seeing the entire Manning family making a Manning face at the same time.
Don't let the picture fool you, though: Eli's sad face didn't last long because he was eventually traded to the Giants later that day. The great irony in all of this is that after 14 seasons, the Chargers are one of two teams that Eli has never beaten. In three career games, Eli is 0-3 against the Chargers, and I'm not feeling very good about him ending that streak this year.
After playing three straight games in Los Angeles -- where no one cared about them -- I actually think the Chargers will be looking forward to hitting the road this week, and I fully expect them to take out all of their L.A. frustrations on the Giants.
By the way, the big winner this week is definitely the city of San Diego because this game is going to be like watching two ex-girlfriends fight over a half-empty pack of cigarettes that one of them stole from a gas station vending machine. Eli snubbed San Diego in 2004. The Chargers snubbed San Diego in 2017, and now, one of the teams will be 0-5 after this week. For once, you can't lose San Diego.
On the other hand, maybe it's a good thing there's not a team there right now.
The pick: Chargers 23-20 over Giants
Seattle (2-2) at L.A. Rams (3-1)
4:05 p.m. ET (CBS)
If you watched the Seahawks beat the Colts on Sunday night, then you probably already know that they won the game 46-18. However, what you may not know is that 46 is also the amount of Seahawks players who got injured in that game. Although I lost count late in the second half, I'm pretty sure the the Seahawks lost their starting running back (Chris Carson), a starting defensive lineman (Cliff Avril), a starting cornerback (Jeremy Lane) and their starting left tackle (Rees Odihambo), who was only starting this year because their original starting left tackle tore his ACL during the preseason.
Basically, there's a chance that the Seahawks injury report this week is going to be a longer read than an unabridged version of "The Canterbury Tales." I gave up reading that book about halfway through it in college and I feel like Russell Wilson's going to want to give up halfway through this game when he sees the offensive line he's playing behind. Aaron Donald going up against anyone on the Seahawks offensive line almost doesn't even seem fair. I'm starting to feel like Russell Wilson is going to be sacked 19 times in this game, so he might want to practice taking hits and falling on the ground this week.
II was thinking about picking the Seahawks to lose in a blowout, but the Seahawks never get blown out. Since Russell Wilson's rookie year in 2012, they've only lost ONE regular season game by more than 10 points. By the way, Pete Carroll (66) is basically two millennials in one because he's more than double McVay's age (31) .
The pick: Rams 26-23 over Seahawks
Green Bay (3-1) at Dallas (2-2)
4:25 p.m. ET (FOX)
Apparently, the guy who makes the NFL schedule really hates the Cowboys, because, for the second straight week, they have to play a team that's coming off of 10 days of rest. In Week 3, the Rams went into Dallas after playing a Thursday night game, and the same thing will happen this week, with the Packers traveling to Dallas after playing a Thursday night game in Week 4.
Although the extra rest isn't always a huge advantage, the Packers definitely needed it this past week. Thanks to the extra days, there's a good chance the Packers could have BOTH their starting offensive tackles back (David Bakhtiari and Bryan Bulaga have both missed three of four games this season). The Packers could also see the return of defensive tackle Mike Daniels. Basically, every injured tackle on the Packers' roster has this game circled as their potential return date.
The one thing I'm not sure about in this game is whether or not Ezekiel Elliott is going to play. I've watched enough "Judge Judy" to know that the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals could hand down a decision at any point this week. I've also watched enough "Judge Joe Brown" to know that the decision could go either way.
Although I thought about splitting my pick based on whether or not Elliott plays, I've decided that I'm going to go with the Cowboys either way, and I've also decided that I don't really expect there to be any defense played in this game.
The pick: Cowboys 37-30 over Packers
The "There are so many backup quarterbacks playing this week that I'm confused about my picks" picks
Tennessee (2-2) at Miami (1-2)
1 p.m. ET (CBS)
When your own coach says your offense is trash, then I'm pretty sure that means your offense is trash and that's exactly what Adam Gase said about his team recently.
Through four weeks, the Dolphins offense ranks last in yards per game, last in points per game, and I don't think things seem to be getting any better. As a matter of fact, I'm so down on the Dolphins right now that I'm going to pick against them this week even though I have no idea who's going to be at quarterback for the Titans.
This video of Jay Cutler doing on Sunday is basically a metaphor for the Dolphins offense this season.
Jay Cutler didn't move or give a single f*** during this wildcat formation. pic.twitter.com/zkOZlCgEvQ— The Comeback (@thecomeback) October 1, 2017
Oh, and not that I needed another reason to pick against the Dolphins, but I found one anyway, The other thing that's scaring me away from the Dolphins is the fact that they're coming off a game in London. If the Ravens and Jaguars have proven one thing this year, it's that not having your bye week after your London trip is a horrible idea. Both teams requested that their bye fall later in the season and both teams ended up losing in their first game back from London.
The pick: Titans 20-13 over Dolphins
Baltimore (2-2) at Oakland (2-2)
4:05 p.m. ET (CBS)
When I saw Derek Carr go down with an injury in Denver, my first inclination was to completely write off the Raiders for the rest of the season, but then I looked at their schedule for two weeks and decided that maybe I should give EJ Manuel a chance. Even if the Raiders' offense takes a step back over the next few weeks with Manuel running the show, it might not matter because all they have to do in their next two games is outscore the Ravens and 0-4 Chargers. I'm pretty sure Tim Tebow and 10 of his church friends could outscore those two teams at this point. Over the past two weeks, the Ravens have only averaged eight points per game and the Chargers have perfected losing, so Manuel going 2-0 seems completely possible.
If Manuel can throw one touchdown pass in each game, that might actually be enough for the Raiders to beat both teams. Everyone in Oakland just better cross their fingers that Carr's injury only takes two weeks to heal because things could get ugly if he's out any longer than that. By the way, I'm about to pick a team quarterbacked by Joe Flacco to lose to a team quarterbacked by EJ Manuel, so I think that means I'm officially off the "Flacco is elite" bandwagon.
That only applies to football though, because I definitely still think he's elite at carrying babies.
As for football, Flacco has thrown at least one interception in 13 of his past 14 games dating back to last season. That's definitely not elite.
The pick: Raiders 22-19 over Ravens
Minnesota (2-2) at Chicago (1-3)
8:30 p.m. ET, (Monday, ESPN)
With Mitchell Trubisky set to make his NFL debut this week, I decided to have my crack research team look up the last time that a rookie made his NFL debut on Monday Night Football. (By the way, my crack research team is actually just me Googling stuff.) Before Trubisky, the last rookie QB to make his debut on a Monday was Bubby Brister back in 1986, which was so long ago that most Millennials weren't even alive. Like, how boring.
Brister lost his debut, which is exactly that I think is going to happen to Trubisky. I love the decision to start Trubisky, I would just maybe pick a different week to do it, like next week, when the Bears play a Ravens team that has completely forgotten how to score points. The problem for Trubisky in this game is that he's going up against a Vikings defense that's ranked third overall in the NFL against the run, which means he might have to carry the team with his arm, and rookies don't really carry the team well against Mike Zimmer. Last season, Zimmer coached against two rookies -- Dak Prescott and Carson Wentz -- and shut both of them down. Prescott threw for 139 yards while Wentz through for 138.
Of course, when you consider the fact that the Vikings will either be starting Case Keenum or a hobbled Sam Bradford, I think it's pretty clear that there is going to be zero offense in this game and that every point scored on Monday is going to be a defensive one.
Although I don't think the Bears are going to win, I do think they're going to win the coin toss because, apparently, they never seem to lose.
Unfortunately, winning the coin toss hasn't actually really translated to any wins on the field: The Bears are 3-11 during their 14-game coin toss streak. The irony here is that with Trubisky and possible Keenum starting, I kind of feel like this game is a coin toss.
The pick: Vikings 16-13 over Bears
NFL Week 5 picks: All the rest
- Patriots 30-27 over Buccaneers
- Bengals 19-16 over Bills
- Jets 20-17 over Browns
- Panthers 24-17 over Lions
- Colts 27-24 over 49ers
- Eagles 30-23 over Cardinals
- Steelers 27-17 over Jaguars
- Chiefs 30-20 over Texans
Best pick: Last week, Iin London and the the Saints went out and crushed the Dolphins in London. The Dolphins can barely even win games in America, so there was no reason to think that they could possibly win on a different continent.
The best part about this pick is that ended the ugliest drought in the history of this column. Before Week 4, I hadn't correctly picked a London game since November 2014.
I've completely psyched myself with London picks. Might just draw a name out of hat for Cardinals-Rams in Week 7.— John Breech (@johnbreech) September 26, 2017
My foreign picks were so bad over the past three years that I started questioning my very existence at one point. Fortunately, I was able to get through that existential crisis by doing what any other Millennial would do: I ate a lot of avocado toast and an unhealthy amount of kale.
Worst pick: I have to say, picking the Titans to beat the Texans kind of blew up in my face last week. Not only did the Texans win, but they scored a franchise-record 57 points. This pick was pretty much the worst decision I've made since my freshman year of college. I made a lot of bad decisions that year.
The problem for me in the Titans-Texans game is that I underestimated Deshaun Watson. All I had to do was get on Twitter back in April and I would've known that the was going to be good.
Mark my words. Deshaun Watson is going to be the real deal.— Chris (@duderbal) April 28, 2017
I definitely should've marked that guy's words.
Finally, if you guys have ever wondered which teams I'm actually good at picking, here's a quick look:
Teams I'm 4-0 picking this year: Eagles, Seahawks, Cardinals.
All bird teams, that's probably not a coincidence.
Straight up in Week 4: 9-7
SU overall: 37-26
Against the spread in Week 4: 11-5
ATS overall: 32-31